Today on Twitter as I was trying to go about my daily routines for work and chats with friends, I realized that I’d been away for a few days. I just haven’t felt like it.
And I wasn’t exactly Miss Charming today either.
That’s when I realized that I am preoccupied. And I finally understood that hiding from the things that scare you most doesn’t work. It just throws everything else that you try to do out of whack.
@Pegsta1 wrote back: Maybe you needed a break?
She is right. I did.
@libbytalks said: Everyone needs time for life.
Again, another smart friend.
And they’re pretty damn wise, huh?
Because now it’s 9:15 the evening before the day when I have cataract surgery.
Now this isn’t supposed to be a big deal, and I’m no baby. Honest! Oh, I whine, but I’m actually grown up. Seriously! (Why are you all laughing at meeee? <again, whining>)
No, really, I realize that almost every older person goes through this at one time or another.
But even knowing that it’s nothing, I’m still scared shitless.
I think I know why I haven’t felt like tweeting. I think I know why I haven’t written a post despite the insane and extraordinary things going on across my country and our world right now. (By insane, I am not furthering the Charlie Sheen machine! I meant—nationally, globally. Such a time this is! And me—not writing about it? Unheard of!)
I had major life-threatening surgery at age 20, and have never been the same. Pancreas ruined. Side effects! A fluke.
There were a couple other things that happened to this body. One way too hard to ever talk about. Flukes!
So the one eye I have left is kinda special to me. I’m very attached to it.
I don’t want to lose it.
Those things that came upon me only happen to one person out of a hundred thousand. And I understand that. Things happen. But it’s happened to me four times!
After losing the sight in one eye so unexpectedly, I have a terrific fear of something unforeseen occurring—again!—and after tomorrow, what if I won’t “see” The Pseudo-Husband again, or my pup, The Tipster, or my brothers or their children or my best friend or my books or…
My computer. My lifeline to the world. I know, I know. Blind people can do computers. But I’m tired, and right now I don’t want to learn! I’m a bit cranky! I want to SEE my computer. It’s been one of the best friends I’ve had through a long saga of boringness that I won’t bother you with.
So I’m paranoid (with some reason, based on history!) and scared and have been avoiding thinking of this for a week now.
But it’s time. To think about it, face it, and beat it.
So, Color My World—I hope—colorful as hell, tomorrow at about noon! Color it all the colors of the rainbow and then some. Color it colors none of us have ever imagined. Or even just black and white, with some greys in between. Just color it so that I can see it. Please.
And on the drive home tomorrow, though I hear things may be blurry and gritty, I am as of this moment planning to see every damn thing that comes my way. The power of positive thinking, eh?
So that is that. Oh, and one more thing. Maybe…
Could you put in a good word for me if you pray? Because I really want to read your tweets in a couple days. I really, really do.
Love you, friends. And thanks.